Those Words from My Dad Which Helped Me during my time as a First-Time Parent

"I think I was just just surviving for a year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

But the truth rapidly became "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her chief support in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a talk with his father, on a park bench, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You aren't in a good spot. You require support. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His situation is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a wider inability to talk between men, who continue to hold onto negative perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a display of weakness to ask for help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to request a pause - taking a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a friend, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the activities that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I believe my job is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."